June 5, 2008 -- First off, attracting an American TV audience to a Tiger-less golf tournament has become tougher than getting Hillary Clinton to do the math. Consider the entertainment options the PGA Tour was up against last weekend alone.

At the movies, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, and Cynthia Nixon lit up the silver screen as the four wives of a radical Mormon who flee the family compound to open a 19th century clothing store in Manhattan in the box office smash "Sects in the City."

For those who couldn't make it off the couch, CBS broadcast the first MMA matches ever shown on network television. MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts and is so named because its contestants try to beat each other's brains in using techniques taken from a variety of disciplines, including jujitsu, tae kwon do, karate, and Ginsu, the last of which it appeared the hulking Kimbo Slice employed to de-cauliflower that grotesque, oversized veggie posing as his opponent's ear.

If boxing is, as the late New Yorker columnist A.J. Liebling famously described it, "the sweet science" in the sports curriculum, then MMA is like the ABCs, seeming to appeal to the kind of TV viewer who finds Jerry Springer stuffy and high brow.

Yet, there it was Saturday night, just a couple of hours after the Memorial ended, pulling ratings numbers among the coveted demographic of men ages 18-34 (read: the next generation of sports viewer) better than those of most sports, including golf tournaments -- like last weekend's -- which don't include Tiger Woods. And that was in spite of being shoved into the armpit of TV time slots and showcasing what amounts to minor league MMA talent.

Short of skipping the final round in favor of having the golfers settle the score in the fighting octagon, there wasn't much CBS could've done to spice up its Memorial presentation. Not only was Woods absent, Phil Mickelson may as well have been, having obviously used up all his mojo with that Houdini act at Colonial the week before. Mickelson was 10 off the lead after two rounds and never contended, leaving the front page of the leaderboard to a B List of nice guys and never-wons.

Mathew Goggin, who led the first three days, is less famous for his golf than his birthplace as he tried to become the most prominent Tasmanian since the Warner Bros. Devil. Muirfield Village played like Taz Sunday, gobbling up Goggin's three-shot final round lead in a matter of six holes and opening the door for anyone who could string together a couple of pars.

Enter Kenny Perry, who birdied the 9th hole to take a lead he'd never surrender en route to his third Memorial title, one more than tournament host Jack Nicklaus who's still clinging to a 72-10 lead on Perry in career wins.

What the Memorial may have lacked in A Listers, it more than made up for in ZZZs. An already challenging course was even tougher because of swirling winds and inescapable rough courtesy of a wet spring. Perry's winning score of 280 (-8) was the highest since 1985 and the 74.3 stroke average for the week is the highest on Tour this season. If you enjoy a good two-putt, this was the tournament for you.

I said in Monday's edition of "Teeing Off" with my cohort Michael Breed that the sound of America's TVs clicking off was drowned out by the snoring. That may've been a bit harsh. Perhaps it was the other way around.

Actually, Perry's performance, however drama-deficient, was not unlike so many of those produced by the Memorial's only other three-time champion, Woods. Perry's birdie at 9 and a concurrent bogey at 8 by Justin Rose put the former in front at the turn. As his closest pursuers foundered, Perry built his lead to three with clutch par saves and a two-putt birdie at 15. By the time he made his first bogey of the day (at 17), it didn't matter. Sound familiar?

The difference is people still watch when it's Woods winning that way. Anyone else, not so much. Even at an otherwise prestigious event like the Memorial. What's a tournament like this week's Stanford St. Jude in Memphis to do when it's not only minus Tiger but also up against the highly anticipated Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals and the Belmont Stakes where horse racing could see its first Triple Crown winner in 30 years?

You could try to sneak Kimbo Slice into the field on a sponsor's exemption. (He does sound a little like a character from "Happy Gilmore.") Or just pray for an Elvis sighting. These days, good guys playing great golf just doesn't cut it. Without superstars, sex, or splattering blood, you can assume your would-be viewers -- like the King -- have left the building.

Grant Boone is a husband, father, broadcaster, and journalist born in Tennessee and living in Texas. During his nearly 20 years in sports journalism, he's worked for ESPN, Turner Sports, Golf Channel, and CBS Radio. His columns usually appear in his editors inbox approximately five minutes past deadline (regardless of when that is) and shortly thereafter here. To read past installments of Grant Me This, click here. You can contact Grant at pgagrant@hotmail.com.